Catch Him if You Can

It is impossible to think of St. Patrick’s Day or Ireland without envisioning a wee little man dressed in green protecting his pot o’ gold beneath the rainbow. Leprechauns are as Irish as lads and lassies. While they are usually depicted as smiling, ginger-haired elves whose eyes twinkle with just the right amount of holiday mischief, the truth is that Leprechauns are best left alone. They drink heavily, are expert liars, and consider humans so greedy that they choose to avoid us at all costs. Sure, catching one means you are entitled to his treasure, but the little boogers are experts at tricking you out of both the gold and your sanity. A far better idea is to catch them and cook them. Delicious! You will need:

• 1 large leprechaun or two small leprechauns
• 5 bottles Irish whiskey
• 1 cup malt vinegar
• 4 gold pieces
• 1 cup salt
• 3 TBSP parsley

Place the gold pieces and 3 bottles of whiskey in a large container with a strong lid. When the leprechauns crawl in to get the gold, shut the lid tight. The Leprechauns will self-marinate by drinking the whiskey. Allow them to sit in the container for 24 to 48 hours. After the 24 to 48 hours is up, remove the Leprechauns from the container. They will be drunk and truculent. Allow them to punch one another, as this will tenderize the meat. After they pass out, brush them with the malt vinegar and sprinkle with salt and parsley. Place on grill for 30 minutes, turning after 15. Serve with Colcannon potatoes and the other two bottles of whiskey. Drink a lot because, after all, you're eating Leprechaun. And that takes some liquid courage.